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Family Marriage Couples Consultant Prof Dr Ekrem Çulfa
ekremculfa@gmail.com
WHAT IS THE FOUR HORSE OF THE Apocalypse?
19/08/2021

WHAT IS THE FOUR HORSE OF THE Apocalypse?

 

John Gottman (1999), as a result of his many years of research, has revealed four basic behavioral patterns that can lead to the end of relationships. He defined them as the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These behaviors are humiliation, criticism, being on the defensive, and building walls.


Humiliation: It is one of the most negative forms of behavior that should not be in relationships. It is the situation in which one of the spouses considers himself superior to the other and belittles the other. In such a relationship, conflict will be inevitable. Since the expressions of contempt also contain messages of disgust, it will be impossible to solve the problems and will lead to the end of the relationship.


E.g; “You are so incompetent” “I told you so.” "What you're doing is utter stupidity." etc. Personal accusations contain humiliation.
What needs to be in a happy relationship is appreciation and respect instead of humiliation.

Criticism: Criticism is negative statements about character and personality. Complaints between couples are inevitable; however, complaint and criticism are concepts that are often confused with each other.


E.g; “I'm sick of you talking about yourself all the time, how selfish you are.” while his expression is criticism; “I feel unimportant when you constantly talk about yourself and don't ask how I am, can you please be more careful about it?” is a complaint.
What needs to be in a happy relationship is to use the language of "I" and express emotions instead of criticizing with the phrase "you".

Being constantly on the defensive: Another behavior that causes the relationship to end is that couples constantly defend themselves without trying to understand the other party. The most distinctive feature in defense is not hearing what the other side is saying. When one couple criticizes the other, the other gets into a defensive position; however, the conflict continues to escalate as the defense is a kind of accusation and contains the message "it's not me, it's you". A vicious cycle occurs.

For example, “This is your fault.”, “You are responsible for this.” “Actually, you do this more.” Expressions such as defensive and at the same time contain guilt.
What needs to be in a happy relationship is not just to try to defend oneself, but to accept some of the problem and take responsibility in the moment of conflict.

Walling: Although walling may seem less dangerous than the other three behaviors, it is actually one of the most damaging behaviors to the relationship. Walling is when one of the couples cuts off physical and mental communication and does not speak during the discussion. On the basis of this behavior, it is dangerous because it gives the message "you are worthless" to the other party.

For example, being offended or remaining silent is a wall-building behavior.
The key to a happy relationship is to talk about the problem after you've calmed down.
 
IF YOU EXPERIENCE PROBLEMS SUCH AS COMMUNICATION, COMPATIBILITY, INCOMPATIBILITY IN YOUR RELATIONS, MUST CONTACT ME FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP, APPOINTMENT, SESSION OR CONSULTING 05447243650.


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